Greg House versus Artemis Fowl sample
by Stolas
Summary: Exactly what it sounds like! All of these are "what ifs" that are still in need of background and a coherent story. I need reviews to find what ideas work and what doesn't so please take a look! Surprisingly popular in my oppinion..
1. House meets Holly

Greg House was walking throughout his hospital, or rather limping about evading Cuddy while simultaneously being bored when he encountered Wilson, whose eyes seemed... odd.

"What are you doing?" Wilson had to ask.

"I'm examining your pupils." Of course. Wilson shrugged somewhat, or he would have if he weren't currently being accosted. House was bored, the most simple and common diagnosis for any of his behavior.

Still, Wilson wanted to know more about why his own pupils struck House as interesting. So he asked, which is a bold if ineffective route with House.

"Why? Or is this just your usual insanity showing itself"  
House felt over-joyed by his friend's willingness to join the game on this occasion.

"Insanity mixed with a touch of concern, you might be going blind"  
And select birds in Australia might be making first contact with aliens.

"Or it might be you're just bored and can't take anymore vicodin for at least a dozen more hours"  
Wilson knew his friend well.

"I have only one hour remaining and your pupils look ragged, which means you're high"  
As a statement and not a question Wilson knew an answer would be pointless, he spoke anyway.

"No I'm not, if I were high then my pupils would be dilated"  
House silently thought himself in agreement that Wilson's answer was pointless and as such pointed this out to him.

"Denial means, nothing to me at all. you're pupils look funny, which means something is affecting you. And unlike me, you would have no legitimate reason to be high while on the clock. If you are high you can't admit to it and if you're not then you're telling the truth. Seeing as nobody tells me the truth... don't worry, I understand. But now you do realize I have evidence with which to blackmail you."

Wilson wished for a moment that he had been keeping track of all the times House tried to blackmail him. "Great, more dishes to wash. IF I were high."

House wanted more this time if he were to go so far as to blackmail Wilson again.  
"Maybe a little more than dishes, you see my bike looks awful dusty too."

Wilson had patients to attend to, unlike House and so one of them had to end this interrogation.  
"I'm not stoned House. Now are you eventually going to go back to your office?"

"Yeah, yeah"  
House realized that he had asked for an MRI, an LP, and a tox screen of his patient and knew these tests couldn't possibly be complete yet. He also knew that Foreman would begin following him around unless some task was given. So once he entered the office labeled DR House MD, and saw Foreman sitting at a chair inside, he killed two birds with one stone.

"HEY FOREMAN! DID THE TEST RESULTS COME BACK YET!"

Foreman answered in his usual, calm and slightly irritated voice.  
"House, I'm right here and shouting doesn't usually speed up the tests you gave the team."

House took great pride in his power to annoy, and exercised this power often. Such as right now.  
"That's not my point, I'm yelling because I resent your being here rather than being with my team of newbies."

Foreman knew House very well, so the next lines of conversation were very commonplace examples of the norm.  
"You want me to babysit."

"Exactly."

"You probably also want me to leave so I don't see your secret vicodin stash."

"Also sort of right."

"I'll go babysit."

House relished his victory, he also relished the fact that at times like these he felt like playing the EVIL genius.  
"Now off to Wilson's to see what sort of stash he has right now... MWAHAHAHAHA"

When House goes to somene's home or office, he first does a version of what other people commonly do. He checks to see if they are present before entering. His method is designed to work better if they aren't.  
"WILSON, ARE YOU HOME?.................................. I guess not. Now if I were an addict in denial as oppossed to an addict, where would I hide my stash?"

It was at this exact moment, as he was entering his friend's office, that things began getting wierd.

SWITCH PERSPECTIVES NOW.

Holly Short was not in the habit of using the mesmer on mud people unless it was absolutely required by the situation. On this occasion there was at least one instance already where they had to just that, and now they (As in her, Mulch the dwarf, Foaly the centaur tech expert, and the young genius Artemis Fowl) had to conceal their existence by any means necessary. So when a mud man came limping in to Dr Wilson's office she had to react quickly to avoid exposure. So she used the wings on her shimmer suit to hover to eye level with the poor mud man and opened the visor on her helmet so eye contact could be made and the mesmer employed. Holly never once enjoyed forcing someone into the mesmer, this time was no different.

"Please stand perfectly still and listen to what I say very carefully." Spoke the floating, disembodied face with unmatched eyes.

"What a pretty voice. Who are you?"

"I am a friend."

House smiled, while under the influence of the mesmer... he looked very stoned. But happy, which was an odd feeling for him.

"Friend, Wilson's a friend of mine. He's also a target of mine but he's my friend. Say are you over eighteen"  
Holly nearly choked for a moment at this comment, Foaly tried hard to keep a straight face... he failed. Holly rolled her eyes and continued with the mesmer.

"I can't answer that question... or any others right now, but I hope you can answer mine..."

"Fire away."

"I won't have to if you tell me your name."

House's smile got bigger, among other things...

"You know, you look pretty cute for a floating face."

Holly blushed somewhat, usually people under the mesmer were too deep under to do anything but listen, much less flirt. She glanced at Artemis questioningly, he nodded for her to add another layer to the mesmer. Which she did.

"Thank you, we floating faces try very hard to look our best. Now please tell me your name."

"Your eyes don't match, one's hazel and the other's blue. Interesting"  
Clearly another layer was needed, and so another was added.

"I need you to tell me your name."

"Of course, the most likely cause is simply tinted contact lenses... But they look natural"  
Holly considered adding more layers, but chose not to, it'd be faster but also maybe harmful. She decided to be polite instead.

"Please stop asking about my eyes. I want to know about you now. What is your name?"

"Gregory House. I'm a doctor, do you need a doctor? Maybe for some condition involving those unusual eyes? Better yet, I'm on clinic duty so maybe you'd like to go to a hotel so we can play doctor"  
Foaly lost all control and began guffawing, Artemis gagged, Mulch laughed while simutaneously giving applause. Holly turned red.

"I'm fine thank you. You need to forget we ever existed for now, unless we address you soon. We aren't really here you see."

"Ah, so you're just a hallucination. I have a lot of those at times."

"Yes, and you are about to leave here having accomplished whatever you came here for with no reason to come back. Ever."

House began to walk away when he remembered his reason for being there in the first place, though he would certainly flirt with the face more if he had the time, she liked him.

"I came here to get whatever drugs Wilson has stashed here, I can't leave without them or else I will simply come back later. I've got a duty to him as a friend you see, he has a drug problem and I can't sit idly by while he poisons himself." Something complelled House to tell the truth, not a common thing, so he spoke again.

"I want to get rid of the pain in my leg, the drugs Wilson seems to be taking affect the iris, meaning they're probably oppiates... they work by blocking certain receptors in the brain and..."

Someone was walking up the hallway approaching Wilson's office, while they would probably just pass by Wilson's office, unecessary risks must be Artemis's signal Holly immediately chose to just send House away.

"D'Arvit, oh my, your leg is better now. Try walking on it, you'll see. Now go away until we call for you and remember that we aren't real. Just hallucinations from the drugs."

The next thing House new he was walking away from Wilson's office with no pain at all in his body. He was so high he couldn't remember what the name even was of the drugs he took. His next thoughts were simple.

"Well, the past thirty minutes are a blur so I must have sampled Wilson's drugs and... Holy crap I can walk. I gotta find Wilson, but first I gotta pee."

SWITCH PERSPECTIVE again.

Mulch was first to speak when the coast was clear. "I LOVE that Mud Man! Artemis, take notes because THAT is romancin' the opposite sex"  
Foaly still couldn't quite hold in his laughter, he had luckily managed to keep from laughing to loudly when the random passerby went past but now he just couldn't help it. Artemis looked like he had just witnessed a mugging. Holly was so red she looked like she could have given the late commander Root a run for his money.

Artemis was first to regain his composure "Now we need to figure out where we are, why we are here, where Butler is, and if it is absolutely necessary we ever encounter that arrogant, vulgar and obnoxious man again."

Holly just turned her shield off and walked over to have a seat in Wilson's chair as silently as a spider scratching in Madagascar. She sealed her helmet to prevent any sound from escaping and turned off her communications. She then proceeded loudly complaining to the Heavens above about why every man she meets are paradoxically both highly educated and a total moron.

AUTHOR NOTES, I cleaned up an embarrassing typo and added an obscure gag from the series involving Lupus and House's stash. If you get it then you deserve a pat on the back. The forum is growing now and ideas are coming in now, meaning the project can officially begin soon. Oh, and I should have a silly little chapter added soon about Wilson and Holly being evil toward House and Artemis. Again, please review what you like and don't like. Personally I think I got a bit risque except I had to try to imitate House's personality with some suggestive reference. Though I don't think I will have Holly fall ill, then have House claim it's an STD and point the finger at Artemis and then eventually at Foaly, only to find both are guilty along with Wing Commander Vinyaya and Wilson. That would be very like an episode of House though... Maybe.

THE LINK TO THE FORUM FOR THIS FANFIC IN PROGRESS IS HERE, PLEASE VISIT IT TO GIVE INPUT IF YOU WANT TO SEE THIS OR MORE LIKE THIS IN THE FUTURE! .net/forum/Greg_House_versus_Artemis_Fowl_and_other_insanity/56276/


	2. Tear filled salads

_Author speaking here: I have a very big problem. This scene demanded to be written, and unfortunately I am very poor at writing pure comedy. As such you will cry. It is not a prediction, but a statement of fact. REVIEW AND GIVE ADVICE PLEASE!!!_

A silent candlelit room, two lovers entangled in a warm embrace in a warm/expensive restaurant.

One was shorter than the other, dramatically shorter in fact. One might say she was a dwarf, but her pointed ears would suggest the truth, she was an elf. Outside, in the snow, hidden behind cam foil are two very interested mud people and a centaur with a laptop attempting to hack into the security cameras of the restaurant. A dwarf, the genuine article this time, is masquerading as a very short and smelly waiter. He is not doing well.

Wilson spoke to Holly as he let go of her, making certain Artemis couldn't see his lips as the boy had demonstrated a talent for reading lips lately.

"Can you see them?"

Holly answered with an evil grin, almost a vampiric smile in point of fact.

"They're out there all right, I can see the haze from the cam foil. Why is it we're doing this exactly?"

"Because House never learns anything until he is defeated definitively. You could fry him with that mesmer of yours and his heart would probably give out before he would admit one iota of fault."

"That reminds me of how me and Artemis met..."

"Dinner and a movie?" Wilson was being hopeful, maybe Artemis wasn't cut from the same cloth as House.

"He kidnapped me and held me for ransom."

Wilson couldn't help it, he tried but his natural impulse to make people feel better was too much. He grabbed her hand, and spoke in the softest, most teddy bear like voice he could "Everything is going to be Okay. I am so very, very sorry I ever brought it up."

Holly cocked her head at him from across the table. She responded with a confused voice "You didn't bring it up, I did. And what's funny is I genuinely believe you never intended to cause me any pain at all."

Outside, House demanded a status report from Foaly.

"How are the cameras coming?"

"Fine except that I have next to nothing to work with here, I have to hack a satellite using stone age/Mud Man tech AND I have to do it use the local Wi-Fi to do it. I could use the modem in the restaurant except I don't have the security code for it. To top it all off this things on its last legs as far as performance, how the heck did you get so many viruses?"

House rolled his eyes and walked out of the cam foil, carefully staying out of sight so that nobody saw him emerge from the air. Foaly immediately spoke "Where are you going?"

House walked off, limping more than absolutely necessary. "To take a walk."

"Well have fun. Meanwhile I'm wondering why I'm still here, after all half the reason just limped away."

Artemis glanced up and spoke

"House does not give up easily, he'll probably be back momentarily once he comes up with an idea. In the meantime I have the security key. The password is 'Gilgamesh' the owner apparently considers himself a scholar." Foaly shook his head. He would have asked how Artemis could have found the password, but before he could he remembered who he was talking to. Artemis could read lips and speak enough languages to fake the gift of tongues. He probably saw someone discussing the connection.

"We're online, it'll take about ten minutes for me to get into the security cameras from this laptop."  
Artemis smiled, this was the genuine vampiric smile. He would not be left in the dark for long....

Mulch was not having a very good time. He wasn't usually a nosy sort of dwarf, but on this occasion he had to find out what was really going one. He had seen plenty of Mud waiters while he was Mo Digence, and so he should have no problem becoming one... Except a ragged apron does not a waiter make... As he was finding out the hard way. Especially considering that the restaurant was understaffed. He had been washing dishes for the past twenty minutes when he was mistaken for a real waiter, then he was waiting tables, now when he finally has the chance to sit, a Keith Richards lookalike comes through the door demanding to be seated. Life was cruel.

Holly was getting annoyed, Artemis would never understand the concept of respecting someone else's privacy. He knew that she knew he would be watching, which is why he was probably... (Okay, probably is not the right word, 'certainly' was far more accurate.) ducked into the makeshift cam foil hide outside the restaurant, definitely with Foaly, who was definitely typing like mad into a laptop trying to hack into the security cameras.

Mulch was plainly visible posing very poorly as a very short waiter, and if she was a gambling elf (Which she was) she would bet the farm that Butler was somewhere in the ceiling listening in on her and Wilson. Only House was unaccounted for, he could still be behind the hide or he could be somewhere else. Wilson and Holly were so convinced that House would appear that she and he actually had money on how he would appear. Wilson's twenty said he would appear in some cartoonish disguise, as Holly had no Mud currency she agreed to do his dishes for three days if House was doing anything but staring intently at them from behind the hide.

Meanwhile Wilson was still trying to understand the world Holly inhabited, and what sort of things happened over the past several years. Holly thought she saw something in his eyes, a hint of sorrow or deep emotion but only just for a moment as he moved on to the next topic.

"You know, it's rather ironic that the first time you met Artemis he kidnapped you. The first time I met House he bailed me out of jail. Which is sort of the exact opposite of how you two met... and to continue this analogy, and stop me if I'm wrong, Artemis manipulates you and whomever he can in much the same way as House. Wow. The similarities are striking now that we look upon them. Maybe they're related?" Again Holly saw something, Wilson immediately caught her worried gaze and tried to continue conversation naturally. Wilson's thoughts then suddenly strayed to Mulch Diggums, whom was frantically running about holding a pile of trays. "What about Mulch? Could you shed any light on him?"

Holly laughed somewhat at a dumb joke, which she proceeded to tell for reasons she may never know. "You couldn't shed too much light on Mulch, he's liable to burn." Wilson was puzzled, Holly attempted to explain herself "He's a dwarf, a fairy dwarf which isn't the same as a short dwarf, and fairy dwarfs get sunburns very easily, within three minutes actually." Wilson laughed as best as he could at the failed joke, he was trying at least.

Holly took this opportunity to ask her hopefully redeeming question. Wilson stared at Holly reflectively. Holly didn't know what to say so she spoke to break the silence. "If we're going to compare my Mud Boy to yours, you are probably lied to on a weekly or sometimes daily basis, maybe not with the exclusive intent of causing you any real harm... but being lied to is being lied to." Holly drank a sip of her spring water, it still wasn't pure enough for her liking but she chose not complain, though next time she wouldn't order ice. Wilson nodded his head, she was exactly right, as he had been about Artemis. And... there was something more... hidden in his eyes and rapidly surfacing.

Wilson finally began to speak his mind. "You know, even without medical training, you fairies could replace us doctors any day of the week if you wanted." Holly smiled "We aren't cruel enough to force you out of a job. We aren't that way." Wilson gave up hiding his thoughts at this point. Holly could see he was having trouble finding the words to what he was saying. "Holly, I mean no offense but why not? I _hate_ my job. I'm a reaper, every day I wake up and go out of my home to go to my office. Every day I'm there I know that later that day I will need to tell someone that they are dying. It isn't like I'm reading an obituary column, or hearing about people dying by the millions in some faraway place. People that I know, love and talk to regularly are going to die. I can't even let them live with the bliss of ignorance of this fact as I am duty bound to tell them. From what you've told me the mind wiping process is near fail proof now. The risk of the patients exposing the People with a mind wipe performed after the surgery would be almost nonexistent.... So why don't your people save some of them? " Holly, to her credit tried to keep from sounding cold as she spoke, for she hated the state of affairs as much as Wilson. "Because we can't get involved in human affairs." Wilson smiled somewhat, tears present in his eyes that refused to fall, he looked like she did after Root was killed... Lost.

"Maybe..." Wilson began... "At the risk of sounding like House, maybe the People and the Mud People have a lot more in common than you want to think. I don't know how I can go on being a doctor in my field with the memories I have." Holly was starting to cry too, she knew exactly what Wilson felt. She told herself that at least, but she knew it wasn't true. "You can still save lives, memories of us won't make you any less effective. Statistically... statistically" Wilson interrupted her here. "I know I can still heal the same number of patients with or without the knowledge of the People. That is not what matters here. I don't think I can bear to look my terminal patients in the face and lie to them, tell them there is no cure when I know that there is and the treatment is forbidden to them because they were born human." Holly didn't know what to say, what could be said? So for a brief time they both sat there, tears streaming into their half-eaten salads. After they both began to recover, they tried to make small talk

"How did you get that blue eye?"  
"Time Tunnel."

"Oh." Wilson was so out of it, as was Holly that neither had any interest in either asking or explaining what a time tunnel was. Fortunately it was at that exact moment something arrived to break up the tension. Keith Richards, or someone who looked strikingly like him sat down at the table across from them. He popped some Vicodin as he was coming in. Holly actually laughed and spoke. "It looks like I'll be doing the dishes."

_AND THAT ENDS THIS SCENE FROM WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF WRITING AT THE IMMEDIATE MOMENT!_

_Yeah, I know I need to fix the ending of the scene, and I really will... but this scene is so unusual I don't know how to write the rest of it even if it is just a way to get a feel for the story. Please, somebody throw me a line here at what to do about this problem! Use email or the forum. Thank you all for supporting my attempts._


	3. Stolen Pills

Not my best work, personally I think this was the hardest thing to write that I have attempted lately. I want complaints, please give them to me. The final draft of the overview is getting very... finalized as far as the format for this story. I will post the planned sequence of events here before writing the final version so if you want to be heard in the final draft PLEASE tell me your wishes either on the forum or in a message. I will continue taking requests (I really take suggestions seriously, that is where this came from!) and any extra scenes, one shots, drabbles, basically anything relevant to Artemis or House that won't work in the continuity will be posted here as well. Enjoy and please be critical!

House was distraught. This did not happen often.

House realized long ago that he could rarely be both happy and nice at the same time.

All that mattered anyway was the truth, how it was found was irrelevant.

He also knew and accepted that people don't act nicely when treated in decidedly un-nice fashion.

This... to him at least, was the way of the world.

He shoves them, they shove back, he shoves them, repeat until interest is lost, patient is critical, or until it becomes boring.

But this time the line was crossed.

His pills were gone. Somehow, all of them were gone.

He immediately grabbed his cane and began limping out the door to attempt a rescue...

But for some reason stopped, he didn't quite know why he stopped either until he sniffed the air. He smelled something... Mulch

To those of you unfamiliar with the....fragrant entity that is Mulch Diggums, he is in fact a master thief. As a general rule, he only steals from strangers... But as House correctly deduced the dwarf had made an exception. The only question being why? And yes, the smell is what gave him away.

Artemis Fowl masterminded this grand scheme, though to him the end justified the means.

He was fully aware of the pain he could potentially bring to House, once he began detoxing.

But being in pain was a small price to pay for the safety of the party as a whole.

House was a loose cannon, one that had to be reigned in at any cost.

Already his disobedience had cost them a casualty, granted one of the best kind, namely a non-lethal casualty... But a casualty none the less.

Butler was injured in the previous operation, which turned out to be a jaunt in a medieval battle, the battle on the hill of Tailke. They just had to traverse the chaos of the battlefield and steal Frond's crown from the last Fairy stronghold, then take said crown back to the warp back to their own time. Easy.

House had an idea, contrary to the _plan_. And when he acted on the idea, Butler was exposed and spotted, immediately mistaken for a troll, then he was just as immediately targeted by every archer in the area. It did not end well.

Holly successfully healed Butler...again.

And he was perfectly fine...again.

And since his gambit worked, House was a hero...again

And so, once again the Heavens aligned to give House their apparent blessing to take ridiculous and unnecessary risks that... despite all logic... somehow always work.

One might say that, until a plan fails, there is no reason to change it.

In House's case, when he fails that first time, someone will die.

Artemis refused to let that happen. Especially if that someone might be a friend of his.

So, the one thing House requires to function, his one irreplaceable need... his Vicodin, was stolen.

Mulch was a thief by nature, and by experience found long ago that when Artemis makes a plan, if that plan is followed precisely, it works. Barring some unforeseen circumstance... This did not happen often either. So when Artemis asked Mulch to filch House's pills with only the most rudimentary regard for covering his tracks, Mulch simply obeyed, if only because it marked a special occasion. Artemis actually asked Mulch to do something with a minimal risk of decapitation or incineration or general painful death. How could he refuse?

Artemis was seated beside Butler's bed, he was still hospitalized after being healed by Holly. He was healed successfully but his body still needed rest to fully recover, and Artemis intended to be there when he awoke. He also had several drawers moved into the room... they were there for another reason.

This was the exact moment House walked in.

Artemis turned and smiled.

"Missing something?"

House ignored Artemis's comment and ransacked the room.

"House."

Still being ignored.

House continued ransacking.

"House they aren't here."

"Of course they're here. This is the one place you could have easy access to that has enough nooks and crannies to hide my sizable stash."

"They are nothing but ashes by now, I had Mulch get rid of them."

"You say that, but I don't believe you. I believe what people do, not what they say they do. This room is the place I would hide the pills if I were a controlling brat trying to defy the natural order and gain command over grown ups. If I were you, and I'm glad I'm not..." House stood defiantly with his cane and gestured at the drawers located around Butler, (Artemis had them moved in the night before.) House continued his rant. "I would place the pills somewhere in this room, mostly because it would mean I would be forced to look into the face of the person I could have killed. By the way, never underestimate the callous nature of a depraved addict."

Artemis spoke as much as he could like his father, before his kidnapping.

"I had them incinerated. Once you are done searching you'll know that it's true. I do have one pill left though..." Artemis held out one lowly Vicodin pill. House finished his searching and started out the door, snatching the pill from Artemis as he _almost_ left. He stopped himself as he was leaving. Standing in the doorway... He spoke.

"There are other drugs that are be just as effective as Vicodin. You're not trying to make me detox, you aren't even using the pills as a bargaining chip. You're trying to annoy me." House looked at the boy's face for confirmation, he wasn't expecting to see any, both were masters of deceit and they both knew it. That was exactly why, despite how much they had butted heads these past few months, they both had learned to appreciate, if not necessarily like one another. Which was probably why House was more irritated than angry, Artemis had acted exactly as House expected he would.

In that way they were much alike, too much as the previous mission revealed. Both demanded total control of the situation to be successful, and when that control was denied to them, either of them would stop at nothing to regain that control. Artemis took control differently though, House was still trying to figure him out. If their roles had been reversed, House would have kept the pills and ransomed them to add to the humiliation, to make the tactic more effective. Artemis destroyed his only bargaining chip over House right away... House understood the far-reaching point of this message. On the coming missions, if the previous were any indication, they could go on for days, more than enough to start detoxing if he didn't have his pills.

Artemis did not play head games, he did not care how he was viewed by his subordinates. All Artemis cared about was the success or failure of the operation. To Artemis, similarly to House, results were all that mattered.

"Funny" Thought House as he stood in the doorway "We look nothing alike and nearly hate each other... Yet to anyone looking in from the outside we could be family. If the kid starts using metaphors to express every other thought I'm going to order a paternity test." Finally House decided to speak to Artemis once more before leaving. But for some reason the words wouldn't come. He tried very hard to make an overly cruel yet fitting comment, but for once failed. He didn't know why either, he generally could say anything he wanted without remorse... but not on this occasion.

"Too much time with Holly." Was all he could think of. Finally he spoke before he could think of anything else to distract him from his current goal of angrily storming out of the hospital room. Which he was doing a very pathetic job of doing right now as his looming reflectively in the doorway for the past minute or so basically killed his chances of coming off as hostile, he almost seemed remorseful. So he decided he would go with that approach instead so he didn't end up looking like a total moron, which was the worst of the possible scenarios.

"I'm sorry... about what happened to Butler." House spoke as he limped the rest of the way out the doorway, as he walked he could only think: "Look remorseful. Look remorseful. Think sad, depressing thoughts. Like Wilson's bald, dying kids with cancer. Or Cameron after watching 'Old Yeller' Or Holly eating a hamburger... Boy does that chick get irritating. She's like a Cameron/Wilson love child with pointed ears and a gun. I've been infected with _niceness_... I think I'd prefer cancer."

Artemis watched as House limped down the hall with the least convincing look of remorse he had ever seen. Still, the fact that he felt chose to fake the emotion was a good sign. Butler opened his eyes and spoke, Artemis realized immediately that he had probably awakened when House came in to search the room. "He certainly has mellowed since when we first saw him." Artemis nodded " I'm not surprised. Holly has that effect on people." Butler smiled as he looked up at Artemis. "You didn't actually have the Vicodin incinerated did you?" Artemis smiled back. "Allegedly I am an excellent liar, you could read me by voice alone. I'm appalled by my own ineptitude."

Butler shook his head "The lie was flawless, but you have never wasted a single resource to my knowledge since your birth. You kept those pills, and you still have them." Artemis shook his head this time. "I gave them to Wilson, he'll watch House and supply the pills if House starts to detox in the future, meanwhile House will be none the wiser and so will restock his supply in the meantime. My intention is to safeguard him from detoxing by making him think I will use that as leverage over him."

"You and House are so similar, yet at the same time he can irritate you like no human or fairy I've ever seen. You seem pretty talented at getting under his skin too."

"What's amazing is he's so similar I just do what annoys me most to annoy him... I act contrary to his wishes and question his authority whenever possible. What scares me is how much I enjoy irritating him when I know he's so similar. Maybe I resent him because he represents the aspects of myself, my cruel and calculating nature, that I despise the most?"

"I just woke up. And as much as I'd like to play Freud in the following and now inevitable conversation... I will require more sleep beforehand."

Artemis nodded as he stood to leave. "Of course. Good night."

Butler rolled over in his bed. "Good night Artemis."

* * *

This is the least favorite of my work thus far, it will be redone. Please complain if you can find ANY flaws at all.

I need the criticism. Also say what you liked, if any.


	4. Overview

This is my current outline for the Greg House versus Artemis Fowl story.

If you have any complaints, please tell me at the forum link in scene 1 or via PM or via email.

I will take suggestions seriously so if you want any say so in this, now is the best time!

If you have any requested scenes or one shots relevant to this story, please tell me and I will do my best to make them happen!

Anyway, in roughly one week I will begin the main story so respond quickly!

Okay, here is the outline I am proposing:

Butler is in New Jersey seeking to speak to an old contact of his while Artemis is away at school.

Butler is injured during his trip and is taken to Princeton-Plainsboro hospital when the Kevlar in his chest interferes with an MRI. He is immediately taken up as the personal case of one very bored Dr House. Once he regains consciousness he immediately contacts Artemis Fowl to inform him of the situation. While it is unlikely, the presence of the Kevlar and possibly the Dwarf fat in his forehead may cause suspicion and possibly cause the discovery of the People. Foaly is contacted by Artemis and to keep things from possibly getting bad the ever paranoid Foaly has Artemis to go to the hospital along with Holly and Mulch to destroy any evidence of fairies and obviously to visit & heal Butler.

Things go rather well except that since the people exposed to Butler's unique condition are doctors a blanket mind wipe is out of the question, so Foaly comes to supervise a series of fine tune wipes while Mulch and Holly destroy any documents relevant to Butler as well as heal Butler to facilitate his removal. While the group is there, some of Foaly's sensors register temporal disturbances Artemis is sent to investigate this as Foaly can't because he probably should avoid walking through the hospital unless absolutely necessary and because he was busy supervising Mulch and Holly in a fine tune wipe of Chase.

So Artemis is handed a tricorder like device and sent off to locate and investigate the disturbance. He then finds the center of the disturbance in a storage closet. He steps inside and is enveloped in a black abyss. An entity named Me emerges from the darkness and tells Artemis that unless he, his current party and a man named Gregory House do exactly as this entity commands... The universe will collapse in on itself and everything will die. Artemis leaves the closet trying to understand what he had just seen and returns to Foaly to give his report, including the part about the apparent hallucination. Foaly shrugs it off as a Mud Boy that just needs more sleep.

Later, as they are preparing to leave they encounter House as they are staked out in the mesmerized Wilson's office conducting mid wipes. Holly mesmerizes him like in the first scene of the sample. Later it is discovered that House is in fact named Greg House and so they call upon him using Wilson and interrogate him (Without much success) in Wilson's office as to how Artemis could have had a hallucination about a man he had never met or seen before. At this moment the entire group is visited by the entity Me and is told what was told to Artemis.

Me explains in rather rude fashion the cause of the temporal readings in that they are rifts he created in time that will open at irregular intervals. When these rifts emerge, a game will begin where Artemis/House's group must open the rift (The power to open and close the rifts is given to House as Me feels it would be funny to force the party to bring the cranky cripple along on these dangerous missions. Me also curses House's leg in such a fashion that Holly can't heal it as he feels that such an act would just be too cheap.) and fulfill very specific conditions Me will provide at the party's entrance into the rift. Basically the entire point of this is the nearly all powerful Me got bored and decided to watch mortals play his games. Me states beforehand that he reserves the right to change the rules whenever he deems it fun to do so.

The party doesn't have much choice but to comply, and their first mission begins right away.

Personally I was thinking this first mission might be a parody of Sherlock Holmes, but I haven't gotten that far yet. Any suggestions are welcome as to what missions the party would be sent on.

Since the rifts are not open at all times, there is a lot of time that the party will be waiting around New Jersey. The plan for this was to effectively split the time the story feels like House (When in Jersey) with the time it feels like Artemis Fowl (Time spent conducting missions)

I hope this plan suits people and I am open to any and all suggestions and questions.

There is a forum for this as well and anyone may PM or email me if they wish.

By the way, in case anyone was wondering this is not in the same time line as my other fanfic in which Me is the titular character.


	5. Reflections on the water

To kill time between the time I said I would write the final version and the present, I have been attempting to get a better grasp of the relationship between Fowl and House. So I have been trying to continue writing "what if" scenes.. This one has House and Artemis fishing together at the insistence of Holly and Wilson who want them to get along better before one of them ends up dead. Originally designed to have only dialog, so since I'm feeling lazy right now I will leave it as it was originally written. House speaks first, then Artemis, then back to House. Reviews are beloved, and if you think it needs something more, like narration, please say so and I will make it so. This is sort of a one shot concept thing so don't think about continuity.

"How much longer?"

"As long as it takes."

"I'm not good with waiting."

"Just have faith."

"I'm not good with faith either."

"Patience is a thing one learns with time being patient."

"Like when you're plotting a kidnapping."

"So Holly told you."

"More accurately Butler, I don't think it would be a good idea to bring that up with her."

"It's not... Unless you want the truth."

"Everybody lies, better to be lied to by someone with less reason to lie. Less lies."

"Holly breaks that chain, at least I like to think so."

"You seem to have a high opinion of her. Why? Do I have competition?"

"No. Nothing so common as that. Holly is the reason I no longer look in the mirror and see you."

"I'm hurt, either I'm a heartless kidnapper or I'm a twelve year old with a gimpy leg."

"I hate you, and it isn't entirely your fault. I hate myself, my past self specifically."

"How do you figure that? I ask not truly out of interest mind you, but rather of boredom."

"You wouldn't kidnap anyone, lie to them, treat them as something less than human... That is beyond even your cruelty. But you are arrogant and difficult to change. You will not admit fault, you are too prideful for that. And so, if you saw purpose as I did... To commit the very same sins I committed before, I have no doubt that you would have done the same thing. And afterward you would feel, and subsequently ignore out of hubris... What little was left of your soul weeping over the pain you caused."

"Wow."

"What is it?"

"You are really, REALLY full of crap. Did you know that?"

"I've never heard anyone say it exactly like that but..."

"Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap. All I hear from you is crap. You want me to listen to you, supposedly out of the desire to make me a 'better' person. Prior to the start of this conversation/rant you stated that you HATE me, now be honest... You don't actually care. Caring or not caring doesn't make you a better or worse person. Just admit it, what you really want isn't for me to become a _better_ person but rather a more _convenient_ one. You can't lie to me, I know better.

You haven't changed at all, not really. People don't change, ever. You like to think that you did. You like to make others believe that you did. But you neither believe it, nor do you ever truly expect yourself to. Normal, sane, boring people are unwilling to do whatever it takes to get what they want. Normal, sane people don't kidnap other people. Rationalize if you want, you knew exactly what you were doing when you kidnapped Holly. Because of that you can't even _pretend_ to be a _good_ person in the eyes of others... The people that know you KNOW about your past, most will actually define you and continue to define you by your past, because that is what makes you different from every other person they are likely to meet. You haven't changed. You know that and I know that... You are, always have been, and always will be a calculating, callous, cold hearted and endlessly resolute criminal. You would still do whatever you have to do to get what you want... It's just what you want that has changed."

"House, you just got a bite."

"Really? I didn't notice. I was too busy ranting. I see why you enjoy it, very therapeutic."

"Don't forget our reason for being here is because we're fishing. And supposedly bonding."

"SUPPOSEDLY? We're best friends aren't we Arty?"

"No, I still hate you. It is nothing personal and it will not affect my evaluation of you as a human being, but it is still there. You are intelligent enough to know that I harbor no ill will toward you, only hatred."

"Bummer."

* * *

Am I pushing the idea of Artemis and House being nearly identical a bit too far? I wanted to have the very common idea of Artemis resenting House because he is insubordinate, but I think I found a better way in this. It reverses Foreman's situation, or at least I like to think so... What do you think? Does this idea work or not and should I use it? Use the forum or PM or email. Also, if you haven't already done so, please read the Overview in chapter 4 and tell me what you think..

Oh, and by the way, I don't own House or Artemis, just the concepts and ideas I present about them, I really will consider changing House's reaction rant, it's a bit too big...

I will eventually get sued if I don't start adding disclaimers...

-Stolas


	6. Daggers turned inward

I have been very productive lately, I wrote the previous scene earlier today and now I have written another along similar lines. I wanted to continue testing out this House and Artemis relationship with Artemis seeing House as a mirror to his former self, then hating House while realizing that this hatred is misdirected and dealing with this emotion while trying to treat him fairly. This would occur after the fishing scene and is meant mostly as an experiment. This is Artemis thinking to himself and yes I will post House thinking to himself about Artemis next.

House.

I hate him.

Why?

Because he is me.

He was me.

Or more accurately I was once him.

Hatred begets more hatred, it solves nothing.

And yet, his existence pains me.

His every word a poisoned dagger in my mind.

Corrupting my decisions with malice.

I can't think when he is around.

Avoiding him is impossible.

Obviously, I can't use him for cannon fodder on our next assignment.

He is arrogant and considerably lacking in morals.

He will not obey my orders.

So what is there left for me to do?

Butler has noticed my discomfort.

As has everyone else... House included.

Except he simply doesn't care.

A part of me wishes to applaud him for this.

Another adds that to the list of reasons justifying his painful death.

Is this the true nature of my current self?

I despise House for his cruelty, his willingness to do harm, to hurt others for his gain.

How far am I from him now?

His nature, in truth only brings me pain due to self loathing.

And so my feelings are transferred to him, in this matter at least...

He is an innocent man.

An innocent man a part of me wishes were dead.

The Fates are not cruel, life is just.

I harmed Holly greatly, and nearly killed Julius during those events.

I am getting exactly what I deserve.

Yet, I still hate him.

I see the answer now.

I must come to terms with my past self, accept the past as dead and gone.

Only then can I find rest in this matter.

Alas, until I find my peace...

My hatred for him will continue.

* * *

Yeah, I am well aware that Artemis sounds slightly emo with this... I don't own any of these characters to be clear. I just like playing around with them. Please review!


	7. Love a Dwarf!

I promised a one shot of Mulch X Cuddy, for some reason I find the pairing ridiculously cute. So here it is, please enjoy and don't hate me!

Mulch did not know how to handle this... this... thing.

"If I were Arty I'm sure he would know the word I'm looking for."

Predicament.

"THAT is the word! There we go, score one for Mr Diggums... I just hope I can keep up this kind of confidence." For all the times Mulch like to talk about what a strapping and handsome dwarf he was, he was also a solitary soul. Sneaking into mud people's houses, stealing their belongings and then fencing them once he got back to the Lower Elements. Yes, for Mulch Diggums life was simple.

"Look out for number 1, you'll always be safe if you look out for number 1. That's my motto and I'm sticking to it. I'm outta here." Mulch almost left. Almost being the key word. He couldn't leave. He had his hand on the door handle, one turn and he could leave the building and pretend he had never been there. But the handle wouldn't turn. Mulch though for a moment that maybe the door was damaged somehow until he realized it was just fine.

He just couldn't bring himself to leave. He _wanted_ to stay there. In the house that belonged to another, he wanted to stay. He was there uninvited true, this was the way he was in most mud people houses. But in this one...

"I want to stay. I've gone loco, I actually want to stay." He felt like Holly, fawning over a mud boy. Okay, two things made this very different to Mulch. 1. Mulch was a LOT more honest with his emotions than Holly and so was not in denial like her. And 2. He was certainly not fawning over a mud boy, a mud woman would be far more accurate. Unlike Holly, he for one was not a pedophile.

"Arty would want me to look at the situation... Okay, I'm in the house of the woman I'm nuts about. I came in here uninvited. She's still sleeping in her bed and probably unaware that I'm here. If my past visits are any indication her alarm clock will sound in a few more minutes..." Mulch considered what he had just said. "If my past visits are any indication... Wow I've got it bad. I'll be lucky if she doesn't call the cops. The things we do for love...... Again, I've got it bad."

Mulch didn't know why, maybe it was karma from all the times he swiped things, but every time he did anything in the past couple of years he managed to somehow get the short end of the stick. He actually was rich for a time, only to lose it all and end up working for the mob, only to eventually escape and actually get all of his arrests nullified... Then when things were looking relatively safe he decides again to help Artemis Fowl and subsequently falls right back into danger on a regular basis again.

Now he was breaking nearly every law in the fairy Book, not that he hadn't already done so numerous times before. "Cuddy... Or rather Lisa, this would be a lot less awkward if I were taller. Maybe a few feet taller and armed with a bit more than an armful of chocolates... If I run, does that make me a coward? That's never stopped me before... Off I go!" Mulch began to bolt for the door when he heard a sound. Cuddy's alarm clock.

She was awake.

The goddess of love, the woman who put Aphrodite to shame and... and... some other really pretty goddess to flight... Had awakened. Mulch's little dwarf heart sang as he heard her getting up from her bed...

Cuddy had a headache. Not a bad one, just a dull throbbing. She did not feel good. She had to fart.

"Ahhhh.... I'm glad nobody heard that." She spoke to herself as she pulled herself up and out of bed. She stepped out into her living room and made her way to the kitchen and the refrigerator. She grabbed a bottle of spring water... Fairy spring water that Mulch had given to her the day before actually. As she drank some of it, she noticed her headache subsided somewhat.

"Maybe I should ask Mulch for some more of this, it's really, really good." Lisa's thoughts trailed back to the dwarf. He was short and simple. If he were taller, maybe a bit cleaner and maybe bit more refined (Human wouldn't be a bad trait to possess either), he would be the perfect date for her. Unlike House, Wilson, Chase and Foreman, Mulch seemed like about the only male she could seem to trust.

He had no pretenses or lies to hide behind, no dark secrets to hide. And best of all he was sweet. He was well aware what he looked like and sounded like and he frankly just didn't care. The opposite of House in nearly every regard. Cuddy sat down at her table and drank some more of her water. "How many bad dates am I going to have before I admit there is no man living on the face of the Earth that I will be satisfied with? Maybe men living under the surface of the Earth are a bit better." Cuddy chuckled a bit at her own thought. She then looked up.

Mulch looked down. He was actually sticking to the ceiling, trying to give his best smile and offer her a heart shaped box. Cuddy was a bit shocked, but the sight was so cute she couldn't help but laugh. Mulch detached himself from the ceiling and tried to speak. He tried very hard, tried being the key word here. He failed to speak, so Cuddy spoke for him. "Thank you Mulch, this is very sweet of you, in a slightly creepy sort of way..." Finally Mulch spoke, voice and hands shaking: "Date. You date? Me too. I date. Can we date? Maybe? Be brutal but don't hit. I don't wanna bother you if you're not interested in the whole interspecies thing."

Cuddy stared at Mulch in surprise. Mulch immediately tried to take back what he said. "I didn't mean that! I didn't mean it! Don't answer... I'm drunk. Yea, I'm drunk! TOTALLY wasted. I don't even know what I'm saying." Mulch started to run but stopped himself. He wouldn't run. He was a coward by nature, but nature doesn't have to determine everything. Mulch's face became resolute as he started to take back his attempt at taking back what he had already said.

"I take back that last part. I... I..... I meant what I said before, you know, about me possibly dating you, if you're interested. If not tell me and I'll leave you alone. I'm not good at this and I know it's a weird idea but I'm asking you to give me a chance. If you're willing, no pressure." Mulch's chin hair acted strangely, something really.... something was about to happen. It might be good or bad but something.

Cuddy sat in her chair, looking the blushing, standing dwarf in the eyes.

"What harm could it do?" She asked herself.

"He's sweet, honest, kind, he even took a bath and combed his weird hair. He's trying... He deserves a chance at the very least." Cuddy finished her conversation with herself and finally nodded at Mulch with an amused smile. Mulch actually leaped with joy and then gave Cuddy a hug. After that he stuck to her like glue. He finally came unstuck after she gave him some of her leftover spring water.

**I hope this scene is as cute as I wanted it to be, being a male that does not date I have difficulty writing this sort of item. I will finish and post the scene with House reflecting on Artemis soon, it is nearly finished. For some reason I love this pairing and I can't think of a good reason why. Anybody else have any thoughts on this? This will peobably continue as a side story.**


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